My Light In The Darkness-Series (5): Proximity
by subseeker
Summary: And the gleam in Joe's eyes became stronger and the expression which it brought with was like ember lighting up. He had no name for it. All he knew was that he had to look away because it pierced right through him, aiming for his heart and hitting dead on target. (Ambreigns or rather Jon/Joe, one-shot, slashy themes)


Some sweet Ambreigns before Survivor Series and this one closes the gap to Changing Point.

Hope you'll like it :)

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A sound. Soft... like a gentle breeze that carried him in the blackness that was surrounding him. Steady... something to hold on to.

And he did. His mind did.

The air was filled with a dry warmth, touching his bare upper body but chills ran through him, sending goose bumps all over his skin. The mood was uncomfortable despite the warmth.

Not for the first time. Been there. Done that. So often already that he had stopped counting.

Soft and steady. Like tiny waves breaking on the shore.

Breathing... there, not far from him. Shallow. Peaceful.

Silence is a quietness that opens eyes and ears for a different world and the shelter of the night makes you feel things you hide away from the daylight. It's like finally being able to really breathe.

But sometimes it was in those moments that you realized that you were about to suffocate under all these things that found their way out of the dark corners of your mind.

Can a soul freeze...?

There were nights when it felt like it, that his soul was freezing because the warmth that he'd gotten so used to wasn't there to fend it off.

Another sound caught his attention, barely there yet present enough to disturb the soft steadiness that kept him afloat.

A mumble.

The form on the couch shifted. He didn't see it because he kept his eyes closed but the rustling told him.

Again a mumble.

Jon opened his eyes. The dreary twilight of the early morning was lying over the room like a fuzzy blanket, disturbed only by the flickering lights of the fireplace. His eyes though sought the raven veil that was spread over broad shoulders and that oh so familiar face, partly obscuring the handsome features from his sight.

Fingers, resting splayed out on the cushion, twitched. Brows furrowed over tightly closed eyes. And a tiny sound of discomfort. One that was born from the heart...

Jon stood and walked over to Joe where his sat down on the floor cross-legged.

Another twitch, another tiny sound.

"Joe," Jon said just above a whisper.

It seemed to calm his friend. Somehow it always did and it left Jon in awe that the mere sound of his own voice could do that. That Joe reacted to his voice like that... It wasn't the first time that he spent the night watching Joe sleep... that he watched over him... and it wasn't the first time he calmed his friend's uneasy dreams.

Joe suffered. Still did. Jon knew it. The break-up. Their little family crumbling to pieces. Fake, yeah. Then again... not. They were still friends, still brothers, Joe and Colby and he but it was not like it had been all those years. Hanging out in public had become difficult. Kayfabe. Fuck this shit.

In a way it all had left a crack behind. An empty space where Colby's place had been.

The colorful evidence of that one night of scripted betrayal had long faded from Joe's back but Jon could still see its shadow in the big man's soul. Because it just was like that. Because _Joe_ was like that. Family was everything to him. And... Joe _was_ family. He was _Jon's_ family.

Jon's eyes roamed the sleeping face and carefully he reached out and brushed the hair out of it. There was the warmth of smooth skin under his fingertips as he skimmed them over it, along the chiselled jaw line and over beard stubbles. Rough yet soft. Joe's hand twitched again, stilling as it was covered by Jon's.

Joe was lying on his belly, face still turned towards him. The broad shoulders were highlighted and the silhouette of the massive, powerful body was flowing in elegant curves in the half light. Nice to look at. This. And... Joe.

If he'd closed his eyes again now and concentrated on it, Jon was sure that he could even feel Joe's body warmth. He had gotten used to it, had gotten used to Joe's presence.

Two alpha males, having each other backs and occasionally butting heads. The butting heads had become more over the time... after they had formed The Shield. Because... Joe and Colby... it always had been different between them. Different from the kind of relationship Jon had with Joe and different from a simple friendship. Joe cared for Colby in a way never ceased to remind Jon that Joe was swinging both ways... and that maybe, just maybe... the day would come that Joe and Colby were an item. It had left Jon jealous and still did, now that he thought of it. Joe checking on Colby with gentle words and tender touches while the best he gave Jon was a rough clap and a _get up, man_.

Jealousy, yeah. Because he couldn't risk losing Joe. This man who was a so important in his life... or rather... a too big part of it. Helpless had always been a word he despised but it was the perfect label for how he had been feeling back then. Helpless and the rivalry on screen, the getting in each others face, it wasn't only acted. At least not from Jon's side. He had been standing there, watching how Joe drifted towards Colby and because he had no idea what to do, how to handle this, he just crawled back into his shell.

Not Joe's fault. And not Colby's.

Is he a bad man for - sometimes - being relieved that Colby wasn't part of their team anymore? Probably.

The hand under his own moved as Joe curled his fingers to a loose fist, the hand remaining where it was though, as he shifted a little and turned onto his side.

A whisper. Jon's name.

"I'm here," he whispered back.

He wondered what Joe was dreaming of. Maybe of their evening? Colby had been here tonight, at Joe's place, everything being like always, the three of them, friends, brothers, nothing awkward about it. Yet the look in Joe's eyes when he thought that no one was watching him had mixed the good mood with a bitter taste.

Had Colby noticed? If so, then he hadn't been showing it.

Four hours since Colby had left.

Three and a half hour since Jon had begun to watch over Joe's sleep after the big man fell asleep on the couch.

I miss him.

It was what Joe had muttered only a few minutes after Colby's departure.

How?

That was what Jon had wanted to ask. A question that remained unvoiced though.

And... I don't want to share you.

Unspoken. How could he say it? Ever?

Dean and Seth, punching each other in the face. Scripted. Yeah. Like it all. Except that the punches Dean had delivered to Seth held something very real that had been simmering in Jon all the time. A spark of jealousy.

I won't let you take him away from me.

Silly, wasn't it? Because didn't he know that Joe would _never_ leave him behind?

Yeah. Silly.

But getting only a part of Joe's attention wasn't enough. Sharing this man wasn't something Jon was used to and sharing him with Colby had this very _different_ quality.

Colby... Jon had always waited for the day that Joe told him he'd found a girl... or a guy. And yeah, he still waited. Was afraid actually. Swinging both ways broadened the options. But out of all people Colby had been the first real threat to Jon's monopole on Joe.

Jealousy. There, it was back again, the green eyes monster and he should've never given it even a second to stick its ugly head out of its hiding place. He fucking shouldn't be thinking like that at all. But then again he should've done so many things.

With a quiet huff Jon lifted the beer to his lips for a hearty gulp and taking his hand away from Joe's, he ran it through the mess that was his hair. His gaze though stayed glued to the other man's face, beholding the smooth features. A sight so familiar.

A sight so... _so_...

A movement caught his attention. Joe's hand, slowly moving around a bit, the fingers spreading over the cushion. Searching? Tilting his head to the side, Jon brought his own hand close to the moving one. A quiet sigh flew past his lips as he Joe hooked his fingers behind his own the very moment they made contact. A soft touch. Familiar, too.

You don't cross my mind, you live in it.

He had gotten so damn used to Joe with him even when he was not around... that it was as if Joe was in his veins and he couldn't get him out. Actually... he didn't want to. Jesus, trying to get Joe out of his system would be like bleeding out.

The thought brought a bitter sweet smirk to his face.

Admitting all this, realizing it in the first place, had been a goddamn long journey. Years. And the past weeks felt pretty much like climbing a summit and every ledge he... they... left behind brought them even closer to each other. A different closer. Richer. Emotionally. Physically. Like, sitting side by side, close enough that knees bumped and soon arms were slung around the others shoulders. Hands resting on said shoulders. Like, dozing off and ending up with your head on the other's shoulder. Like, not sleeping on the couch when staying overnight but in the other's bed. Well, not that they hadn't shared a bed in the past already every now and then but now it wasn't even a question anymore. Hell, he had his own side in Joe's closet for clothes and all the stuff one needed when staying overnight.

The smirk became a tiny smile as his eyes found back to their joined hands, as his thumb brushed over Joe's fingers lightly. A gesture that Joe rewarded with a soft sigh.

And suddenly Jon felt the urge to climb onto the couch and squeeze into the bit of space that was left there. He wouldn't have admitted it aloud, ever, that having Joe lying beside him gave him a sense of security that got even stronger the less space there was between them.

Would it still be like this when the day came that the storyline made them rivals? Because eventually it would have to happen, them being _enemies_.

It wiped the smile off his face, that thought. The day would come, inevitably, and to be honest, he feared it. Not the beating the shit out of each other but the chance that it would affect their friendship in an unhealthy way. He'd seen the strongest friendships being seriously shaken by situations like that. And some of them ended up in too many pieces to be glued back together.

A certain sick feeling collected in the pit of his stomach, made him curl his fingers around the other man's tightly.

"We're stronger, right?" he whispered, feeling silly already before he had even finished the sentence, because it wasn't a statement but an actual question.

One he wanted, needed an affirmation for. Yes, we're stronger than that. It was an affirmation a sleeping man couldn't give. Yeah, silly to ask that while Joe was oblivious of the world.

 _My safe place._

A thought that had been swift once, one that now was something to hold on to in bad times. How many people had a safe place that wrapped strong arms around them to fend the world off and murmured words of comfort. Not many, he guessed.

His safe place was special. And... perfect.

The sound of flames feeding on wood, like steps on brittle branches, like the cracking noise of working ice, it flowed out of the fireplace and skimmed over the floor like clandestine touches of fingers.

 _I need you._

He did. He needed Joe but right now those words which were supposed to stay in his mind... he felt them on his lips right now, making him realize that he had just said it aloud. They needed each other, no doubt, and it probably couldn't be much more obvious yet neither of them had voiced it. It was odd how much more real speaking it out made it. Frightening real.

A light groan, the big hand on his own twitched... a sigh. Eyes, fluttering open, revealing endless brown depths. Disorientated for a moment, beautiful nevertheless and with an aching vulnerability like every single time he'd looked into them that first moment after sleep gave Joe free.

A smile tugged at plush lips, affectionate in a way that was only reserved for Jon.

"You're still here."

Not a question. Yet it was, lying underneath. Faint though but there.

"Sure," Jon murmured. "Where else should I be?"

Blinking slowly, Joe dropped his gaze to the fireplace momentarily before meeting Jon's again.

The smile on his lips faded as Joe mumbled: "At home..."

Not what he had wanted to say, at least not only that. His eyes bespoke it.

 _Don't leave me._

The message was written in them. Giving his friend the softest of smiles... one that was born straight from the heart... Jon watched as something shifted in the warm and endlessly deep orbs at his smile. It was barely more than a gleam but it was strong enough to touch him deep inside.

"I am at home," he whispered, a promise clinging to his words.

 _I'm not gonna leave you._

And the gleam in Joe's eyes became stronger and the expression which it brought with was like ember lighting up. He had no name for it. All he knew was that he had to look away because it pierced right through him, aiming for his heart and hitting dead on target.

Rising from the floor, he pulled his hand out of Joe's and the obvious reluctance with which his hand was given free placed a sweet ache deep into him. Crossing the short distance to the fireplace, he threw a few logs in the fire and for a few seconds the creature of red and yellow and orange heat kept his gaze prisoner with its flowing dance.

But was another fire that called him after a moment, the one that drew him in since the first moment he laid his eyes on it. That fire that burned in Joe, bright and hot but gentle, never scorching Jon. He'd touched that fire uncountably often already, hadn't he, but never had he been hurt. That fire, it healed. It healed _Jon_ a little more with every time he felt it.

The feeling of those brown eyes gazing at him was intense as he walked back to the couch. He could have simply resumed his place on the floor there. Maybe he should have done it. But then again... he should have done so many things... right? And... was there a real reason not to do what he did instead, climbing onto the couch to settle into the bit of space between the backrest of it and Joe's body? Except maybe that this proximity wasn't the kind friends usually shared he couldn't think of any and even this one faded into nothing the very second he lay there, his chest pressed firmly against the broad back of the other man.

No. Fuck no, there was no valid reason for not doing this, that this wasn't right how it should be, even if they had never been close like this.

Jon's eyes found the fireplace, watching the silent movie the flames played as he hesitantly wrapped his arm around the other man's middle, letting it rest there loosely. Faintly he could feel the strong and steady beating of his friend's heart.

"You miss him," he said quietly.

A sigh. Heavy, weary.

"Yeah," Joe replied as quietly. "But not how I'd miss you..."

And Jon's heart tripped and missed a beat.

Years ago he would have closed the door to his mind to keep all those lies out that wanted to make him believe someone actually cared about him... or more. But then Joe came along and he'd let him in. He fucking let him in and Joe had broken down his carefully built walls and completely destroyed him... in the best of ways and gave him enough reasons to believe that he wouldn't end up being alone again in the end.

There was the faint scent of Joe's shampoo when he buried his nose in the black velvet, inhaling a deep breath. Anybody else would probably have found this awkward but this wasn't anybody. This was Joe, _his_ Joe... whose fingers curled around Jon's wrist, not to lift the hand away but to pull the arm tighter around himself.

"We're stronger, right?" Jon whispered, repeating his words from earlier.

This time to hearing ears. Joe understood. Jon felt it in the way the other man lightly brushed his thumb over the back of his hand, in the hum he more felt than heard, running through the big frame and trickling right into Jon's body. In the way Joe pressed back against him, trapping him between his body and the backrest of the couch. It was good though, _felt_ good, this proximity of the closest kind.

"Yes, we are." Joe's voice was so very gentle as he spoke and at the same time strong, calming. "You and I, Jon. You and I..."

A comfortable quietness settled over the room like a blanket as they lay there, holding on to each other. There was the crackling sound of the flames in the background and Joe's soft breathing, his heartbeat, his scent and there was the warmth of the fire. But that warmth was nothing compared to the one Joe gave him.

 _You and I._

Only handful of words and yet so much more... because Jon believed...

\- End -

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